One day, I

1.  Everyday, I churn out at least 1,500 words for work.  I normally start writing at around 8:30 AM, but I have no idea at what time I usually finish.  Sometimes, I get assignments from clients, and most of the time, I’m stupid enough to think I can take them on, and so I accept them.  My reasoning is, eh, I manage to churn things out just fine, hours before the deadline, so I better accept whatever it is I’m being given.  I have no idea if I’m just taking advantage of every opportunity I’m given, or if I have a hard time saying no, or I really just can’t think of anything better to do. I guess it’s just my default mode right now - write write write for money.  Sometimes I’m proud of myself for beating the deadline and coming up with things that my clients end up liking enough to ask for my services again, but sometimes I find myself lacking in things.  Like, I dunno, gravitas or whatever.

2.  Sometimes I’m scared that in five years, I will find myself in the exact same position, with the exact same thoughts, just a little bit fatter and a little more dejected and hopeless.

3.  I was walking around the mall one day, alone, and I keep thinking, these people must think I’m pathetic.  But then I have to remind myself - these people are too wrapped up in their own happy worlds to even think about anyone outside their circle.  Man, I want to be that kind of happy, too.  I mean, I have to remind myself constantly that I’m luckier than most people, which makes me feel guilty so I end up reaching into my wallet for change whenever I see donation cans sitting on cashier counters, or when a kid hands out creased envelopes on jeepneys.  I’m in this endless loop of feeling bad about myself in different ways, and even my ways of trying to get out of it somehow pulls me back in.

4.  I’ve had this problem ever since college - I have no “writing voice”.  I mean, I don’t think I do.  And so now, as I write for various publications that are so different from each other, I think I’m losing whatever voice I may have had in the first place.  

5.  I have so many dresses but I have nowhere to wear them to.  They just hang there inside my closet, like a crowd of lifeless schoolgirls lined up, waiting waiting waiting.