One day, I

On my crazy, heartbreak-related impulse to see MUTEMATH in Singapore

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 10:06:25 +0800

MUTEMATH has always been on my list of non-negotiable must-watch-live bands. So when I went to Singapore to “find myself” last January – after a particularly harrowing heartbreak that was two years in the making – and by some random chance, found that they were playing there in March, I found myself buying a ticket for the show, resolved that I would come back there to see them live.

If anything, having your heart broken (and your whole sense of self shattered to bits) has its perks, too, I found. It allowed me to justify the impulse to buy the ticket and subsequently allot everything that I would earn from freelancing to the whole impending trip back to Singapore. It was cool – for the next few weeks, my goal was to earn enough so I could finance a quick trip to Singapore to watch MUTEMATH, on my own. I must have seemed crazy to my friends. I seemed crazy to myself. I’m known for being really cheap on most occasions: I would cringe at menu prices, would never spend more than a thousand pesos on a pair of shoes, and would rather get lost on public transportation than take a taxi. But it was all good – I told myself I needed this. My mother, who was probably glad I wasn’t asking her for any “favor” to finance my rather impulsive trip, encouraged me. She’s always been about “enjoying my twenties” because she never did. I’ve never really enjoyed my teens, or even the first half of my twenties – so I guess I better start now.

Though I was particularly disappointed that I could get no one to go with me (see, I went alone not because I didn’t have friends – it’s just that you can’t always drag your friends to craziness with you, especially if it costs a lot), it was just as well. You can’t often say that you went to a foreign country alone, so how much more often can you say that you went to a foreign country alone, just to watch a band perform live? It was the sort of thing that made people go, “wow” even when the actual experience itself wasn’t really that wow – just a lot of walking on your own and figuring things out on your own.

One thing about travelling alone is that you only need to worry about yourself. You don’t need to worry if the other person is getting too tired of walking around, sometimes in circles, just to decide where to eat or what interesting thing to ogle (which is something I do a lot). While I was walking in the airport on the day of my departure, my feet ached, but unlike another person’s aching feet, these ones I could ignore. And if I complained, who would hear it? If I complained aloud, to myself, maybe a couple of strangers who would probably decide I wasn’t right in the head, so yeah. No one’s complaining here.

On the day of the concert, which was the day I arrived, I rested for a bit and caught up with my old college roommate (who played my host) about her drunken Chinese New Year shenanigans. Then at five in the afternoon, I left for Esplanade. The show was at seven-thirty, but I figured I should be there early if I wanted dibs on merch. I couldn’t really look at shops because I only had enough money for merchandise which is always admittedly expensive and meals, so I walked around. After eating some unsatisfactory kaya toast and tea, I hang out at a spot near the entrance of the show, and was surprised that at around six-thirty, nobody was attempting to enter. At around that time, a lady in her fifties, I think, approached me and asked if I could take part in a survey about the Mosaic Music Festival. I said, yes, of course, because there was time to kill. There I learned that the festival was yearly, so I resolved to find out the bands for next year so I could plan ahead if there was any must-watch-live bands there for me.

At around seven, I went in the area for the concert and bought some merchandise – a shirt and a CD – both of which I bought fast and without thinking just so I wouldn’t think twice about it and revert to my cheap ways. As I shelled out the money, I kept saying (to myself, in my head), this was part of what I saved up for. After buying I immediately made a note on my iPod, calculated how much I still had left and the answer was: not a lot.

When they finally let people in, I was ushered to my seat and holy – my seat was only two rows away from the stage. This was around seven-fifteen, and there were maybe ten people seated. For a few minutes, I was all alone on my row. I kept thinking, it’s fifteen minutes before the scheduled start of the show – aren’t these people excited enough to come early? It’s not like they had to wake up early for the show anyway, and it was a Saturday. It took a while for the concert hall to fill up. When they announced the start, the whole place grew dark and people started screaming – but it was still tame compared to the screams of people in any Manila concert I’ve been to. Then the place lit up with shattered lights while music started playing. Everyone frantically looked around – where was the music coming from? Was it recorded – the stage was empty, after all? Then, lo and behold, MUTEMATH, with Darren King leading them, entered from the main door and started marching down while playing their instruments (or at least parts of them) – and they came through the aisle where I was nearest.

My seat wasn’t exactly nearest the part of the stage they were playing on, but it was still great. I won’t even go through the minutiae details because that would just be overkill but get this: I finally saw Darren King put on his headphones and secure them on his head with gaffer tape. I finally saw Paul Meany do a handstand on his keyboard, dance like a crazy man with his keytar (lovingly battered with gaffer tape on some parts), crowdsurf on a lit-up airbed while still singing like a god, and walk on the seats of the crowd right in the heat of the moment. The band members all took turns banging on the drums, and at one point, Darren made the crowd hold the drums (I couldn’t see which part he took out) while he played on them. I don’t take all-caps lightly, but here goes: it was, in a word, CRAZY.

What made me even happier is that I knew all but two songs (which were new songs on their next record that they were playing for the first time live) during the show. I noticed that not a lot of people were singing along to the newer songs. There was even a Filipino in the crowd whom I heard shout, “Luma naman!” They played songs off Odd Soul, Armistice, and their first records and they were all awesome. I wish they had played my favourite off Odd Soul, “Equals” but it’s more than made up for by the fact that they played “Prytania” my other favorite, which always puts me in a dance-y happy mood.

I will say, though, that even though the whole show was enough to put me on a high right after it ended, the decision to go home right after (foregoing the autograph signing because the line was too long and it was already past ten, and I had no one with me so it might not be safe – plus, I might miss the trains) and the long walk to the MRT station in a practically desolate place, they were a bit lonely. I would have liked nothing more than to have someone with me to recount how awesome the show was. I actually attempted to line up, and there were a few Filipinos behind me – speaking in annoying American English accents with a few pa’s and talaga’s thrown in to help me clue in on the fact that they were Filipinos – talking about how it was so worth it and how they were all going to Zouk later. It did get a bit lonely, for just a bit. But I was saved from wallowing in it as I watched the short clips of the show on my iPod while I was on the train.

It was an incredible show, and I wouldn’t have exchanged the experience for anything. Sure, I wasn’t a “better” person for it, but it added something interesting to my range of experiences. Now I was the kind of girl crazy enough to go to a foreign country alone just to see a band perform live. Not that many people can lay claim to that.

In defense of people who are not fans of Valentine’s Day I am not a fan of Valentine’s Day, never...

Thu, 14 Feb 2013 11:29:39 +0800

In defense of people who are not fans of Valentine’s Day

I am not a fan of Valentine’s Day, never was, and perhaps never will be. Call me a party pooper, or negatron, or whatever scathing name you can think of. I’m just not, and you can’t shame me into being one. Here’s why:

I do not like the fact that Valentine’s Day makes majority of the female population uncomfortable, especially those who are not as lucky in love. I do not like the fact that, when you admit to never having received flowers on Valentine’s Day, you will receive the same pitying look that people usually reserve for those who have actual real problems, like, I don’t know, dealing with a debilitating drinking problem or a particularly bad driver’s license photo (hey, it doesn’t help when you’re pulled over by a cop and you actually look like a drunken criminal on your license photo!).

And what about the people who have recently gone out of a particularly bad relationship? The people who are now coping with a fresh lost trust in love? Please don’t force them to believe in love just yet. Maybe in a few months, but not now, especially not when you’re holding that bouquet of flowers that is so huge that we can’t even see your face. It may not be your intention, really – I believe you. But everything is open to interpretation. Be prepared for the lovelorn to take your happiness the wrong way.

Now, this is just a prelude to a mix that I’m sharing just to make this day a little more bearable: a mix to acknowledge the existence of many kinds of love and relationships.

1. Destructive love

“Fast As You Can” by Fiona Apple

“I may be soft in your palm but I’ll soon grow hungry for a fight,

And I will not let you win.

My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will disprove your faith in man.”

2. Long distance love

“So Far Away” by Carole King

“Holding you again could only do me good.

How I wish I could, but you’re so far away.”

4. End of a destructive relationship

“Many Shades of Black” by The Raconteurs

“Everybody sees, and everyone agrees,

that you and I are wrong, and it’s been that way too long.”

5. Love triangle

“Does He Love You?” by Rilo Kiley

“And you husband will never leave you,

He will never leave you for me.”

6. One night stand

“Elevator Love Letter” by Stars

“And if she likes, I’ll tell her lies

How we’ll be in love by the morning

I don’t think she’ll know

That I’m saying goodbye”

7. Unrequited love

“I Can’t Make You Love Me” by Bonnie Raitt

I think the title suffices ;)

8. Loveless relationship

“Someday, You Will Be Loved” by Death Cab for Cutie

“You’ll be loved, you’ll be loved,

Like you never have known. And the memories of me

Will seem more like bad dreams.”

9. Unfulfilled love

“Silver Spring” by Stacy King (cover of Fleetwood Mac original)

“I know I could’ve loved you but you would not let me.”

10. Redemptive love

“Cemetery” by Say Anything

“When I face the one who made

my disgusting heart from a lump of clay,

should he ask what got me through,

I will tell him it was you.”

*Songs are on a 1-time download.

dragoninn3: We covered Danger Zone. Check it out at Cover Me...

Tue, 30 Oct 2012 10:33:16 +0800

dragoninn3:

We covered Danger Zone. Check it out at Cover Me (@covermesongs).

“The rules of the impossible and the possible in the arts...

Wed, 23 May 2012 08:29:09 +0800

“The rules of the impossible and the possible in the arts were made by people who have not tested the bounds of the possible by going beyond them, and you can. if you don’t know it’s impossible, it’s easier to do.”

-Neil Gaiman

Even though I refuse to swim (health and fear of death by...

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 19:36:32 +0800

Even though I refuse to swim (health and fear of death by drowning issues) in the sea, I’ve always loved strolling on the shore and marveling at how at some point in the distance, the sea always seems to meet the sky. The very definition of infinity.

“Hiding Out” by Sucre

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 09:04:57 +0800

“Hiding Out” by Sucre

More at Taller Children and even more at my flickr

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 09:34:04 +0800

More at Taller Children and even more at my flickr

Come on, girl, ‘cause you will learn to get ahead. We have...

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 14:53:36 +0800

Come on, girl,

‘cause you will learn to get ahead.

We have nothing to lose

and we can hold the weight of it.

And if we wait for summer,

it will be better than this.

-“Laugh it Off” by Eisley

sslyby: “What’ll We Do” live at @RVRB in Denver.

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 15:15:22 +0800

sslyby:

“What’ll We Do” live at @RVRB in Denver.

This is a post about how Death Cab for Cutie simultaneously made and ruined my life

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 10:19:00 +0800

March 6, 2012

A day after Death Cab for Cutie’s first ever show in Manila. In short, the very day when I must go back to real life, without what I call “the magical cloud” of anticipation looming over my head, which was how life was the moment I learned they were coming to the Philippines. The very day when I must go about my business as if it mattered. A true anticlimax.

Today, work is unexciting — dull, even. Today, I have absolutely nothing to look forward to, only things to look back on. I feel like how an octogenarian must feel like at the very sunset of her life, when everything that could possibly happen has already happened.

Let me take you to March 5, 2012, a little over 8:00PM.

My friends, Arianne, Chloe, and I take to the VIP spot where a crowd has formed. And only a minute after getting our bearings and finally realizing that this is it, we’re here, the lights dim and the band takes to the stage. The deafening noise of the crowd, and my own scream at the utter disbelief of what is actually happening, wrap around me and my heart thumps against my chest like it has never before. The opening notes of “A Lack of Color” play and I am at a loss. I scream the words back and rock back and forth in my tiny space, trying to move as much as I can. I don’t care if I look stupid.

By the time the third song comes on, I’m on a high. I have to stop myself from screaming and singing because my chest is literally tightening up - like I can’t breathe, like I’m about to cry. It is at this moment when I suddenly think how everything is making sense This is the reason why I stick to a job that I sometimes can barely stand. This is the reason why my personal life is oftentimes in shambles. This is the reason why sometimes, things are not just worth bothering with at all. So I can experience this - the sound of Ben Gibbard’s voice triumphing over the crowd’s, the thumping bass, the melodic guitar tones, and the collective love from a crowd of people I don’t even know. The songs!

When the band closes their set before the encore, the crowd literally goes wild, my brain freezes, and the sound of the screams wraps itself around my head, and I feel as if I’m in the middle of a dream where the sound goes on mute but still you can feel the sound vibrating around your whole body. That very moment, I become very still, knowing that although of course the band will come back for an encore, this is the beginning of the end.

The band closes with “Transatlanticism” which sounds like a lullaby on the record but live, it sounds like an epic, romantic battle cry. ”I need you so much closer!” I come crashing down and by the time the band says goodbye, I cannot believe it.

After this, you really expect me to go back to real life. I mean, really?

Back to March 6, 2012. Reality.

To say that I had the time of my life last night may be a bit of an understatement. Now, I have nothing to look forward to. I jokingly said to my friend about how last night, I had the time of my life, and tonight, all I have to look forward to is laundry night and possibly reading a book if I’m lucky to have enough energy after work. See how disparate both activities are?

I know I still have the potential to have moments that will duplicate the kind of high I experienced last night. But right now, my life as I know it is screwed.

I honestly don’t know what I’m doing with my life. But isn’t that what being 25...

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 09:25:43 +0800

I honestly don’t know what I’m doing with my life. But isn’t that what being 25 is all about?

I’m turning 25 in a few days.

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 17:35:16 +0800

I’m turning 25 in a few days.

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."

Mon, 26 Dec 2011 17:23:55 +0800

“I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.”

- Augusten Burroughs (via misswallflower)

“Nothing’s gonna stop what we’ve...

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 11:37:05 +0800

“Nothing’s gonna stop what we’ve started.

Nothing’s gonna break what we’ve bonded.

We can make the world spin however we want.

It’s all on us.”

-“Equals” by Mutemath

Colors trying to wake me up from my stupor More Golden Half...

Wed, 16 Nov 2011 18:29:48 +0800

Colors trying to wake me up from my stupor

More Golden Half photos here.

This song saved my life today.

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 15:05:45 +0800

This song saved my life today.

sslyby: First preview of our new album Tape Club.

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 08:57:06 +0800

sslyby:

First preview of our new album Tape Club.

"Every action or word in a plot ought to count; it ought to be economical and spare; even when..."

Tue, 10 May 2011 14:33:05 +0800

“Every action or word in a plot ought to count; it ought to be economical and spare; even when complicated it should be organic and free from dead matter. It may be difficult or easy, it may and should contain mysteries, but it ought not to mislead. And over it, as it unfolds, will hover the memory of the reader (that dull glow of the mind of which intelligence is the bright advancing edge) and will constantly rearrange and reconsider, seeing new clues, new chains of cause and effect, and the final sense (if the plot has been a fine one) will not be of clues or chains, but of something aesthetically compact, something which might have been shown by the novelist straight away, only if he had shown it straight away it would never have become beautiful.”

- E.M. Forster, Aspects of the Novel (via patricksomerville)

Someone reblogged my photo. lindentea: scan0009 (by...

Fri, 29 Apr 2011 10:43:14 +0800

Someone reblogged my photo.

lindentea:

scan0009 (by kannika.pena)

Study: Are Music-Loving Teens More Likely to be Depressed? “At this point, it is not clear...

Wed, 27 Apr 2011 08:51:26 +0800

Study: Are Music-Loving Teens More Likely to be Depressed?

“At this point, it is not clear whether depressed people begin to listen to more music to escape, or whether listening to large amounts of music can lead to depression, or both,” said Primack in a statement.

I think Rob Fleming already said something quite similar.

“What came first, the music or the misery?”